


My Heart Goes Bum Bum Bum

by lovewashisname



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (2017)
Genre: Angst, Child Abuse, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, implied eating disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-25
Updated: 2018-02-02
Packaged: 2019-03-09 09:38:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13478718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovewashisname/pseuds/lovewashisname
Summary: Hux hasn't had a flashback in years. But all of a sudden he has one, as though his past wants to remind him, that no matter what, that bathroom will haunt him for the rest of his life.-inspired by the song «my heart goes bum bum bum» by flatsound-





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> serious trigger warning: underage rape, child abuse, implied anorexia, ptsd flashbacks
> 
> please do not read if these things trigger you

Hux doesn't know when the flashback starts. One minute, he's in Kylo's arms, in Kylo's bed, listening to the stoic, younger male moan and shudder, and the next he's not. He's in his father's bedroom, his wrists held in a tight, vice-like grip that is already starting to bruise his thin, pale wrists. He goes limp, not even trying to fight back. Any sort of strength he might have had a few moments ago has left his body as he realizes where he is. 

Kylo doesn't know what happens, but he watches it happen all the same. In barely a few seconds, Hux's clear, blue eyes go from squeezed shut to wide open in terror, and the arms that were tightly wrapped around his shoulders go limp. The redhead's moans go silent, and his body rigid. "Hux?" Kylo asks, stilling. He's still panting, his hair stuck to his forehead with sweat. There's no response from the other. 

It's just like when he was little, Hux realizes. He's trapped by his father's firm grip, pressed against the cold bathroom floor. His face is cold and aching, the tile floor leaving red marks on his cheek and knees and forearms. He's crying, he realizes, and snot is dribbling across his top lip too. And above him, he can hear his father, panting and swearing and groaning. 

Tears begin to leak from Hux's eyes, and Kylo is left both afraid and in shock. "Armitage," he says firmly, trying to get the smaller male's attention. He pulls his hips away from Hux's, and tries to sit him up. His body is limp, like a dead weight, but his eyebrows are drawn together over his eyes, the fear in his expression making Kylo panic. "Armitage!" he shouts desperately, but the redhead coils back at the sound, the tears becoming thicker. 

"Armitage!" his father shouts, and Hux doesn't understand why, but he sounds scared. It doesn't change the aching in his backside, though, or the way his thighs are trembling. He squeezes his eyes shut, and pleads quietly. Memories flood him as though they're real, physical things that might choke him. He learned what sex and rape were at school, three days ago. He knows what his father is doing to him now. But he can't stop it. 

Kylo feels his stomach twist, listening to Hux murmur 'please, please, stop' over and over again, in a voice that is hoarse and afraid. The redhead brings his hands up to cover his face, but seems to be completely unaware of his actions as he shudders and sobs into his palms. "Hux, please.." Kylo whispers, he reaches out to touch Hux's thigh lightly, trying to pull him out of this horrifying trance. But instead, a terror-stricken scream rips from Hux's throat, and his thin, pale form jolts and shudders and curls away from all of its surroundings. 

Hux hears his father groan lowly, and he can feel something warm inside of him. It makes him sick to his stomach, and he screams. The bathroom is small, and the sound is almost deafening, echoing off of all the surfaces. His father doesn't stop, though, and Hux can hear the slap of his hips pushing into him a few more times. He's still screaming, and feels as though his vocal chords might tear. He gags, then, retches, and his body empties his stomach out onto the tile floor, which is stained with his tears and blood and sweat. 

"Hux!" Kylo says, gripping the panicked man's shoulders. His own panic feels as though it might overwhelm him any second now, tears blurring his vision. The pale man gags, and retches, his frame convulsing but not emptying out anything at all. In the blur of this disaster, Kylo wonders if Hux skipped another meal. Anxiety overwhelms him, and he does the only thing he can think of anymore. He wraps his arms around Hux and pulls him into a tight hug, pressing his face into Hux's freckled shoulder. 

"Hux, it's me," someone says. Hux can hear them, but where the voice is coming from, he's unsure. All he can see is his own blood and vomit on the tile floor. But there are arms around him - strong arms that are holding him tight in a way that makes him feel warm. "It's Kylo. Please come back. Where are you?" The person sounds anguished. It's not his father. Hux squeezes his eyes shut. It's Kylo. Slowly, his senses numb and start to come back. 

"Where are you, Armitage?" Kylo asks, his voice trembling. "You were here a second ago. Come back." Hux stills in his arms, going limp just as he'd done earlier. Kylo feels himself panic. He's sure he's done something wrong, maybe he's made the whole thing start again. But after moments of silence that feel as though they might stretch on forever and ever endlessly, Hux lets out a quiet sob, and even Kylo can tell that he's present again. Hux cries and sobs, and slowly, his hands reach up and press to Kylo's sides, as though he's trying to ground himself. 

Hux knows now. He's with Kylo. Kylo is hugging him, and speaking to him. He can touch Kylo. He can feel the younger man's warm skin, and feel his breath and tears on his shoulder. He opens his eyes slowly. No tiles, no vomit. Bedroom. This is Kylo's bedroom. His and Kylo's bedroom. He parts his lips slightly, and tastes tears and snot. When he breathes in, it smells like sex and sweat, and smells overwhelmingly of Kylo. He lets out a long, shuddering breath. "I'm here. I'm in the bedroom. The bedroom with Kylo. It smells like sex, and tastes like... like tears. It feels warm," he whispers, trying to list his senses. 

Kylo listens to Hux and he sobs slightly, his grip on the small redhead loosening slightly. The two hands are still resting gently on his sides, the fingertips pressing at his skin every now and then. "You're back," he whispers, and he feels Hux nod slowly. They sit like that, Hux gently kneading Kylo's sides, and quietly listing things about the environment. Kylo doesn't know how long it lasts, but he is happy to nod and to confirm every detail Hux notices until the thin redhead pulls back and looks at Kylo, his cheeks still stained with dry tears. "Okay?"

Hux nods. "It was a flashback," he whispers. Kylo nods, and waits a few moments before he looks at the other male and tilts his head to the side slightly. 

"About what?" he asks gently, to which he receives a soft grunt. Kylo realizes that Hux looks exhausted, as though he's just walked through hours of snow and rain and every possible unpleasant experience. He reaches out and gently strokes a lock of Hux's ginger tresses back behind his ear. Hux shakes his head. 

"Another time?"

Kylo nods. "Another time."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for child abuse, pedophilia and rape. do not take this warning lightly, this chapter is very explicit.

Hux is standing in the bathroom the next time he has a flashback. But this one isn’t nearly as bad as the last one was, mainly because he can tell it’s a flashback, and because this time, Kylo has researched how to coax him out of the panic. They stand under the warm, running water together until all of Hux’s tears have washed away, and the steamy water has turned lukewarm. Eventually, Kylo carries the smaller male back to their bedroom, and has him sip from a glass of cold water until his eyes are focused and his voice doesn’t slur. 

”Can we talk about this?” Kylo asks, looking at the other from where he’s getting dressed in front of their shared closet. He sits on the edge of the bed, and Hux moves closer, leaning against Kylo’s back, nuzzling against his warm skin. Kylo sighs at the affection, and turns to kiss the top of Hux’s head. “It’s been a while, and you just had another one… If I don’t know what’s going on in your head, I can’t help.”

The redhead sighs. He knows that Kylo is right. He can’t get the right help he needs if he keeps to himself, and hides all of the things inside him that are hurting. But he’s still scared. How is he supposed to tell someone he’s known for years about a part of his life that has almost wrecked him entirely? He nods, putting his arms around Kylo and gently hugging him, tracing fond fingertips over the bigger male’s toned stomach. “And you won’t tell people, if I tell you?” he asks, his voice barely above a whisper.

Kylo nods, and turns, pulling Hux into his arms again, pressing feather-light kisses against his forehead. “Of course I won’t,” he murmurs, his lips brushing against Hux’s face as he speaks. ‘I would never tell anyone anything that you don’t want me to.” Hux nods, and leans into Kylo, craving the safety and warmth he feels when Kylo holds him this close. He’s hardly prepared to talk about something like this. He isn’t even sure that he can talk about it without having another flashback, or at the very least without breaking down. He doesn’t want his boyfriend to see him like that.

He takes a deep breath, pushing out a long lungful of air out as a sigh. He shuts his eyes, nuzzling his face against Kylo, inhaling his scent and hoping that it might comfort him somewhat. “It started when I was ten,” he mumbles, nodding as though he’s confirming the fact for himself. Kylo’s brows draw together, a small furrow appearing between them as he begins to listen to the smaller redhead. “He told me I was a big boy. I was old enough to understand that sometimes, older people needed help from children like me with certain things.”

Kylo frowns, opening his eyes. Hux’s hand is gripping his shirt, his knuckles white from how tight he’s holding on. Kylo takes the hand in his own, and gives what he hopes is a reassuring squeeze. Hux takes another deep breath before he continues to speak. “And he took me into his bedroom, and undressed me,” he mumbles. “It was the first time, and he didn’t undress himself. He just kept touching me and asking me how I felt…” Kylo takes the opportunity of Hux’s pause to glance down at the other, and grimaces slightly at the sight of tears.

“I’m here,” he murmurs, stroking away the tears with a gentle thumb. Hux squeezes his eyes shut tighter and nods, letting out a shaky breath. 

“It was the first time,” he repeats, fact-checking himself. He nods. “And, I don’t- I don’t remember the second time. Maybe it was the same as the first time… I remember the third time. He got undressed too, this time. He made me touch him.” He stops, opening his eyes and gagging. For a moment, Kylo thinks that the redhead might have slipped into another flashback, but his eyes find Kylo’s dark ones and hold panicked eye contact for a long time. It feels like minutes, but it was probably just seconds. 

“He made me touch him, and use my mouth,” he says quietly, his voice laced with disbelief at how disgusting the story he’s telling really sounds. “I was ten, Kylo… Ten year olds can’t do things like grown men. When he pushed it down my throat-“ Hux gags again, and this time, his body shudders as he dry retches. Nothing comes up, but tears stream down his cheeks. He stutters his way through the next sentence as though it might never come to an end. “I couldn’t… My throat… It was weeks… I couldn’t- for weeks, I couldn’t talk… My throat hurt so much, Kylo!”

Kylo nods and pulls Hux closer into his chest, as though he might be able to fold the smaller male away from the rest of the world, which is a horrible place for having hurt Hux this way. “I know…” he whispers, even though he really doesn’t know. “I know, gorgeous, I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve it.” Hux shakes his head, and sobs hard into Kylo’s shoulder. Because, what if he did deserve it? How can he live with himself, knowing that maybe, it was his fault that it all happened? Maybe he did something wrong. Maybe he provoked his father. He should have been a better son. “Is that what happens in your flashbacks?”

Kylo’s voice is hesitant, tentative, because the last thing he wants to do is hurt Hux. He doesn’t want to hurt him when the thin male is already wearing away in between his meagre meals, lack of sleep and exhausting flashbacks. He doesn’t even know if Hux has eaten since he woke up. Hux shakes his head. It might be difficult, but he needs to get this out of him. He needs to get it off of his chest, no matter the consequences. If he needs to pry it away until his heart is ripped apart and he’s a bloody mess, that’s what he’ll do. He needs it out of him. He waits for the question he knows is coming. “So what happens then?”

Hux is ready. As soon as he hears the question, the words are ready to push past his lips and come out in a wave of blood, sobs and vomit. “It’s the last time,” he says, and it feels like taking a deep breath after being pushed underwater for years and years. “The last time he did it. We were in the bathroom. He made me shower, and he watched me. When I was done, he made me put my head on the floor, and keep my ass in the air. My knees already hurt so much from last night, but he said I’d get a good reward if I just did what he was telling me to do.”

Kylo realises that Hux’s voice isn’t shaking this time. His words are clear and firm, and he is angry. The redhead is holding his hand so tight it hurts. The dark-haired male wonders how many times Hux has relived this memory. All those sleepless nights, are they spent remembering the fear and pain that seems embedded in him now? “He did it. I bled. I always bled. He said he liked it. He told me that no matter how many times we did it, I was still his little v-virgin,” Hux almost chokes on the word. He didn’t get to be a virgin like everyone else. He didn’t have to wait another two years to learn about rape.

“I don’t know what happened the night before… Maybe it was because my knees hurt,” he says, his voice bitter. He spits the words as though they’re venom that has been in his mouth for dozens of years. “I screamed. And it turned him on, I guess. The idea of me not wanting it, or my lack of power. The fact that my mother could find us because of my screaming… He came inside me. I vomited.” 

Kylo wants to help Hux, but this isn’t about him. It’s about Hux getting that night out of him. Getting the memories outside of him, where they can’t hold him down and prevent him from doing the things he loves. “My mother did find us,” he says. There’s no more anger in his voice, just sorrow. His expression has softened, and his hand has slipped into his lap, were both of his hands wring his thin, fragile wrists. They look like they might snap if he moves his hands too quickly. “But she didn’t get angry. It was my fault. I took away her husband…”

Kylo shakes his head. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Armitage,” he murmurs, trying to calm Hux’s shaking. Hux shuts his eyes.

“She slapped me. She showered me, argued with my dad,” he explained softly. He sounded even more exhausted than after the flashbacks. “I went to live with grandma. They divorced. I saw him again, but nothing happened… Maybe because I was too old for him now.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Armitage,” Kylo repeats. Hux nods. 

“I know, Kylo… That night will still ruin me until I die.”

As much as Kylo wants to help, he knows it’s true.


End file.
